===========================================================================
 BBS: The Inferno
Date: 06-09-94 (01:09)             Number: 572221
From: INTERNET: HJIWA@NOR.CHEVR    Refer#: NONE
  To: ** ALL **                     Recvd: NO  
Subj: Canonical List Of Lawyer       Conf: (89) humor
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-----cut-here--------8<--------cut-here--------8<--------cut-here--------8<----
-
-= courtroom humor =-=   19
=---------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

   Columbia, S.C. (AP)  - A retired judge drew 1 1/2 years in prison for
awarding a woman child support and custody of her child in exchange for sex.
   The woman's lawyer, who arranged the trysts, got a two-year sentence and a
$1,500 fine from by Circuit Judge Thomas Cooper.  Former Family Court Judge
Sam
Mendenhall, who retired in 1992, pleaded guilty Monday to misconduct.  The
lawyer, Samuel Fewell, pleaded guilty to conspiracy. Mendenhall, 54, and
Fewell,
58, are former state legislators.
   Dorothy Carpenter said Mendenhall awarded her custody and child support in
1983 and 1984 in exchange for sex.  Carpenter said she also had sex with
Fewell
in exchange for legal services but fired him in 1985 after he and the judge
grew
too demanding.
   Carpenter, who is facing unrelated arson charges, filed a complaint against
Mendenhall and Fewell in 1991 with the state Supreme Court, which oversees the
judicial system.  She said her lawyer in the arson case urged her to file the
complaint.
   Carpenter is charged with conspiracy in connection with a 1991 fire in her
Clover home that killed two people.  The case is pending.
   Fewell's sentence will run concurrently with a 2 1/2-year federal sentence
he
received in March for cocaine possession and tax evasion.


===============================================================================
=
== LAWYER HUMOR
================================================================
-= lawyer humor =-=    1
=------------------------------------------------------

   A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
   The housewife replies: "Four!".
   The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures
through my spreadsheet one more time."
   The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,
"How
much do you want it to be?"

-= lawyer humor =-=    2
=------------------------------------------------------

   A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.  He sees a sign
remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular
brain
store.  So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?"
   "3 dollars an ounce."
   "How much for <other generic profession> brain?"
   "4 dollars an ounce."
   "How much for lawyer brain?"
   "100 dollars an ounce."
   "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
   "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

-= lawyer humor =-=    3
=------------------------------------------------------

   A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all day?"
   Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
   "That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
   Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
   "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
   Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
   The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later
that day, she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered
the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an
explanation.
   Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.  How can I explain a thing
like that to a seven-year-old?"

-= lawyer humor =-=    4
=------------------------------------------------------

Heard Alan King tell this on an Ed Sullivan retrospective:

The other day my house caught fire.  My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem.
What kind of coverage do you have?"  I said, "Fire and theft."  The lawyer
frowned.  "Uh oh.  Wrong kind.  Should be fire OR theft."

-= lawyer humor =-=    5
=------------------------------------------------------

   A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.  To his surprise,
St.
Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the
lawyer
was, and greeted him warmly.  Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took
the
lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a
comfortable chair by his desk.
   The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so
special?"
   St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

-= lawyer humor =-=    6
=------------------------------------------------------

   The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After
a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions,
ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station.  After
passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to
their
new lodgings.  Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on
the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings.
This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least
until the end of time..)
   "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this,
I
can hardly wait to see my digs!".
   They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below
begins
to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
Brownstone houses.  Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes
new
domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff all his best.
   The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out, "Hey Pete!  What's
the
deal here?  You put that lawyer in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual
leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
   Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies, "Look here old fellow, this
street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and
religions.  We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma
together.  That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first non-damned
lawyer to make it up here!!"

-= lawyer humor =-=    7
=------------------------------------------------------

   The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his
sins:
===========================================================================
 BBS: The Inferno
Date: 06-09-94 (01:09)             Number: 572222
From: INTERNET: HJIWA@NOR.CHEVR    Refer#: NONE
  To: ** ALL **                     Recvd: NO  
Subj: Canonical List Of Lawyer       Conf: (89) humor
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Continued from Message #572221 >>

evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an
explosive
purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.  To cite
just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote
constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the
top
of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black
X
painted on the desert floor.  The trough was designed in such a way that a
spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and
swiftly
down to the point of detonation indicated by the X.  Mr. Coyote placed a
generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical
Acme Bomb (Catalog #78) climbed to the top of the butte.  Mr. Coyote's prey,
seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse.
In
an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
   In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught,
the
premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following
disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
   1.  Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
   2. Sooty discoloration.
   3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the
aftershock with a creaking noise.
   4.  Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling,
and
ashy disintegration.
   5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
   We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes.  The remains of a pair of
these
purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D.  Selected
fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the
University
of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has
been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction.
   As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two
wood-and-
metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength
and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard
release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon
his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a
premium.
   To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed
them
by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder.  Adjacent to the boulder was
a
path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent.  Mr. Coyote put his hind
feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right
forepaw
holding firmly to the lanyard release.  Within a short time, Mr. Coyote's prey
did indeed appear on the path coming toward him.  Unsuspecting, the prey
stopped
near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr.
Coyote
gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.  At
this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away
from the boulder.  Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered
Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote.  As the intended prey looked on
unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in the air.  Then the twin springs
recoiled,
bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the
full
weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
   The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr.
Coyote was thrust skyward.  A second recoil and collision followed.  The
boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down
a
hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity.  At
each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder
came
into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground.  As
the
grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.  The sequence of
collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz, flattening
of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of
legs
and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head.
Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular
horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues, a rare and painful condition
which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as
he
walked, and to emit an offkey, accordion-like wheezing with every step.  The
distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major
impediment
to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
   As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work.  It is our
contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of
the
consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese
tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands.  Much as he has
come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source
of supply to which to turn.  One can only wonder what our trading partners in
Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company
is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner
over and over again.
   Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
economic
implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million
dollars.  In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical
expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars;
general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million
dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars.  By
awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its
directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only
language
they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal
protection under the law.

-= lawyer humor =-=   20
=------------------------------------------------------

Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed!
- Robert Lucky, IEEE Spectrum

-= lawyer humor =-=   21
=------------------------------------------------------

Lawyers in Japan

Copied from the Sunday Daily Breeze -

Take heart, America.  Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's
well-oiled economic machine.  It's only a mater of time before that powerful
engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.

What could cause such a sharp turnaround?  High interest rates?  Increased
unemployment?  Lower productivity?  No, it's something much more economically
debilitating - and permanent.

Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to
practice law in Japan.  What's more, two of them are from New York!

The decline has begun.

Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio
of
one attorney for every 390 residents.  For every 100 attorneys trained in
Japan,
there are 1,000 engineers.  In the United States, that ratio is reversed.

But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in
Japan for the first time since 1955.  Already, an additional 20 American and
six
British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
===========================================================================
 BBS: The Inferno
Date: 06-09-94 (01:09)             Number: 572223
From: INTERNET: HJIWA@NOR.CHEVR    Refer#: NONE
  To: ** ALL **                     Recvd: NO  
Subj: Canonical List Of Lawyer       Conf: (89) humor
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Continued from Message #572222 >>

freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
   Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early and living in
the
great outdoors.  Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian
companion
went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.  As they went around the
berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities,
along came two huge bears, a male and a female.  The lawyer, seeing the two
bears, immediately dashed for cover.  His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and
the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.  The lawyer ran back to his
Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods
sheriff.  The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch
with the lawyer.
   Sure enough, the two bears were still there.  "He's in *that* one!" cried
the
lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's
family
danced in his head.  He just had to save his friend.  The sheriff looked at
the
bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot
the female.
   "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
   "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would _you_ believe a lawyer who told
you that the Czech was in the male?"

-= lawyer humor =-=   37
=------------------------------------------------------

   A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.  The Russian
takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass,
drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in
the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia.  And
we
have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open
the
window and throw the rest of the bottle through it.  All the others are quite
impressed.
   The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins
to
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of
them, that we can just throw them away...".  Saying that, he throws the pack
of
havanas through the window.  One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
   At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it...

-= lawyer humor =-=   38
=------------------------------------------------------

   A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
steals a roast.  Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running
unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand
payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
   The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
   "Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
today."
   The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 (attorneys
don't carry cash; it's too plebeian).
   Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from
the
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

-= lawyer humor =-=   39
=------------------------------------------------------

   A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country
when
their car expired.  They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse.  When
they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and
one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals.  The three quickly
agreed.
   The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the
beds.  Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom
door.
The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in
there.  It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
   The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem
with pigs.  However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the
bedroom door saying, "There's a cow in the barn!  I can't sleep in the same
room
as a cow!  It's against my religion!"
   The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no
problem sleeping with animals.
   Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow
entered...

-= lawyer humor =-=   40
=------------------------------------------------------

The Lawyer's Motto:
   "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and
all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is
incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of
otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

In Other Words:
   "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

-= lawyer humor =-=   41
=------------------------------------------------------

   A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day.
Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning
arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest.  Early in the afternoon, they
discover a clearing in the forest.  In the middle of the clearing is a large
pile of animal bones.
   Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to
prove to you two that my dog is the smartest.  Watch this!"  He then calls his
dog over and says, "Bones!  See the bones?  Go get 'em!"  The dog rushes over
to
the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of
the
human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail.  The doctor grins smugly;
after
all, his dog has just build a *human* skeleton from *animal* bones.
   The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed.  "That's nothing," he says.
"Watch this."  He calls his dog over, and points out the pile.  "Bones!  Get
the
bones!"  The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds
a
perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower.  It even has a little French flag waving
at
the top.  The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact,
smarter than his own.
   The lawyer, however, is still not impressed.  "My dog is smarter," he says.
"Watch."  He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply
"Bones."  The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the
bones, buries the other half, screws the other two dogs, and takes the rest of
the afternoon off.

-= lawyer humor =-=   42
=------------------------------------------------------

   Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together.  The first person showed up
on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were
supposed to meet...
   1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"
   2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.."
   1st lawyer: "A milk bottle?  Didn't you see it in the road?"
   2nd lawyer: "No - the kid had it under his coat..."

-= lawyer humor =-=   43
=------------------------------------------------------

Washington State Attorney Season And Bag Limits
===========================================================================
 BBS: The Inferno
Date: 06-09-94 (01:09)             Number: 572224
From: INTERNET: HJIWA@NOR.CHEVR    Refer#: NONE
  To: ** ALL **                     Recvd: NO  
Subj: Canonical List Of Lawyer       Conf: (89) humor
---------------------------------------------------------------------------


.TH lawyer humor \n(mo/\n(dy/\n(yr "Lawyer Humor"
.ce
L A W Y E R   H U M O R
.po 0
.in 0i
.nf
.pl 12i


-----cut-here--------8<--------cut-here--------8<--------cut-here--------8<----
-
Canonical List Of Lawyer Humor  (Court Jester)
Archive-Name: lawyer
Last-Modified: 94/05/31
Version: 2.04
Version-History: 0.05(92/07),0.08(92/10),1.00(92/12),1.01(93/01),1.02(93/02),

1.03(93/03),1.04(93/04),1.05(93/05),1.06(93/06),1.07(93/07),1.08(93/08),

1.09(93/09),1.10(93/10),1.11(93/10),1.12(93/11),1.13(93/12),2.00(94/01),
        2.01(94/02),2.02(94/03),2.03(94/04),2.04(94/05)
Total-Joke-Count:   189

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CONTENTS
   RIDDLES
   COURTROOM HUMOR
   LAWYER HUMOR


===============================================================================
=
== RIDDLES
=====================================================================
-= riddles =-=    1
=-----------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.

-= riddles =-=    2
=-----------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.

-= riddles =-=    3
=-----------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

-= riddles =-=    4
=-----------------------------------------------------------

In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a
   lawyer.  You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets.  Who do
you
===========================================================================
 BBS: The Inferno
Date: 06-09-94 (01:09)             Number: 572225
From: INTERNET: HJIWA@NOR.CHEVR    Refer#: NONE
  To: ** ALL **                     Recvd: NO  
Subj: Canonical List Of Lawyer       Conf: (89) humor
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Continued from Message #572224 >>


-= riddles =-=   56
=-----------------------------------------------------------

Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

-= riddles =-=   57
=-----------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

-= riddles =-=   58
=-----------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they
   couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

-= riddles =-=   59
=-----------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting
famous lawyers?
People couldn't decide which side to spit on.

-= riddles =-=   60
=-----------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and
Sioux?

-= riddles =-=   61
=-----------------------------------------------------------

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking
down
   the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who
   gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

-= riddles =-=   62
=-----------------------------------------------------------

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

   A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
   A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if you're
       looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
   A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated
by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option
of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties.
   The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to,
the following steps:
   1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at
his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point
being non-negotiable.
   2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local
and federal statutes.
   3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").  This installation shall occur in a manner
consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
   Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party
of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
fifth
part, also known as "Partnership."

-= riddles =-=   63
=-----------------------------------------------------------

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.


===============================================================================
=
== COURTROOM HUMOR
=============================================================
-= courtroom humor =-=    1
=---------------------------------------------------

   A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial.  It was nearly 4 P. M.  And getting a jury
would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking
to impanel anyone available for jury duty.  He found a dozen lawyers in the
main
lobby and told them that they were a jury.  The lawyers thought this would be
a
novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.
   The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the
defendant was guilty.  The jury went into the jury room, the judge started
getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.  After nearly three hours, the
judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to
see
what was holding up the verdict.
   When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict
yet?"
   The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict?  Hell, they're still doing
nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

-= courtroom humor =-=    2
=---------------------------------------------------

   It had to happen sooner or later.  Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green came
over to see him.
  "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor.  The last time I saw you was in court
when
you accused me of malpractice."
  "Doc.  Doc.  My side is on fire.  The pain is right here.  What could it
be?"
  "How would I know?  You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
  "I was only kidding, Doc.  When you represent a client you don't know what
you're saying.  Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
  "Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
  "What are you talking about?"
  "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there
was to know about the practice of medicine."
  "Doc, I'm climbing the wall.  Give me something."
  "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a
gallstone.  Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
===========================================================================
 BBS: The Inferno
Date: 06-09-94 (01:09)             Number: 572226
From: INTERNET: HJIWA@NOR.CHEVR    Refer#: NONE
  To: ** ALL **                     Recvd: NO  
Subj: Canonical List Of Lawyer       Conf: (89) humor
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Continued from Message #572225 >>

   Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the
Scandinavian
manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything that
stupid.
   I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had a label
on them stating:

Warning:  This product not intended for use by stupid people.

Let this guy try to prove in court that, although he propped the ladder up on
a
manure heap, he is *not* stupid and didn't violate the instructions.

-= courtroom humor =-=    8
=---------------------------------------------------

   A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had previously
pleaded "not guilty."  However, once the jury, eight women and four men, had
been seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his plea.
   "Why the change?" asked the judge, "Were you persuaded to plead 'guilty'?"
   "No Sir," the man replied, "When I pleaded 'not guilty', I didn't know
women
would be on the jury.  I can't fool one woman, so I know I can't fool eight of
them."

-= courtroom humor =-=    9
=---------------------------------------------------

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve
people
that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

-= courtroom humor =-=   10
=---------------------------------------------------

The U. S. Attorney in Miami declined to prosecute a drug smuggling case in
which
the Customs Service had confiscated a half ton of marijuana because the office
is overworked and won't touch cases under the 2.5 ton minimum.

-= courtroom humor =-=   11
=---------------------------------------------------

   There once was a young fellow who fell prey to a speed trap in a small
southern town.  The cop wrote him a ticket and then hauled him before the
local
Justice of the Peace.
   The Justice fined the young man $200 and collected the money on the spot.
The young fellow turned to go but was called back by the Justice and handed
the
old ticket.
   The speedster said, "Just what am I supposed to do with this?  I paid my
fine!"  Whereupon the old J. P. replied, "Keep it, when you get three, you get
a
bicycle!"

-= courtroom humor =-=   12
=---------------------------------------------------

From "The Houston Chronicle"

   A defense attorney in a Northern California murder case says he believes
Max
the parrot may hold the answer to who smothered Jane Gill to death in her
bedroom two years ago.  But an attempt to get the African gray parrot's
testimony into evidence last week was blocked by the judge.
   Max was found dehydrated and hungry in his cage two days after Gill's
murder.
After the parrot was coaxed back to health at a pet shop, the shop's owner
said
the bird began to cry out, "Richard, no, no, no!"  The man charged in the case
is Gill's business partner, and his name is not Richard.  He says he is
innocent.
   Gary Dixon, a private investigator working on the case, surmised that the
bird is now in a witness-protection program.  "Max's identity has been
changed,
and he is now a macaw," he said.

-= courtroom humor =-=   13
=---------------------------------------------------

In December 1993, Atlanta attorney Dennis Scheib stopped by the prosecutor's
office on his way to court to represent a new client in a criminal case.  Just
outside the office, he saw two officers chasing a man down the hall, and he
joined in to help.  After the three men caught the escapee and handcuffed him,
Scheib learned the man was the client he had been on his way to court to
represent.

-= courtroom humor =-=   14
=---------------------------------------------------

From the Chicago Tribune, 6/8/90:

Naples, Italy(AP): ...the claim (for damages) involves an accident in March
involving a medium-sized Regata and a tiny Panda car.  The young man claimed
he
and his girlfriend were engaged in amorous activity in their car when the
large
car hit it from behind. The impact momentarily made them lose control,
resulting
in pregnancy.  The suit demands compensation for the cost of repairing the
Panda
and the cost of the wedding the couple decided to have after discovering the
woman was pregnant.

-= courtroom humor =-=   15
=---------------------------------------------------

In February 1994, in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., accused murderer Donald Leroy
Evans,
38, filed a pre-trial motion asking permission to wear a Ku Klux Klan robe in
the courtroom and to be referred to in legal documents by "the honorable and
respected name of Hi Hitler."  According to the courthouse employees
interviewed
by the Associated Press, Evans thought Adolf Hitler's followers were saying
"Hi
Hitler" rather than "Heil, Hitler."

-= courtroom humor =-=   16
=---------------------------------------------------

Heard through friends:
Rumor has it that the state of California, which recently enacted a "Three
Strikes" crime bill (three felonies and you're jailed for life), was
considering
the following amendment:

Three strikes and you're out, unless the judge drops the gavel on the third
strike and you can run out of the courtroom before the bailiff grabs you.

-= courtroom humor =-=   17
=---------------------------------------------------

Rachel Barton-Russell petitioned a court in Springfield, Ore., in February
1994
for a ruling on the meaning of the state's law against corpse abuse.  Her
deceased husband, Donal Eugene Russell, had declared in his will that he
wanted
his skin used to make book covers for a collection of his poetry, but the
state
Mortuary and Cemetery Board claims that carrying out that request would
subject
a funeral home to liability for corpse abuse.

-= courtroom humor =-=   18
=---------------------------------------------------
===========================================================================
 BBS: The Inferno
Date: 06-09-94 (01:09)             Number: 572240
From: INTERNET: HJIWA@NOR.CHEVR    Refer#: NONE
  To: ** ALL **                     Recvd: NO  
Subj: Canonical List Of Lawyer       Conf: (89) humor
---------------------------------------------------------------------------


-----cut-here--------8<--------cut-here--------8<--------cut-here--------8<----
-
-= lawyer humor =-=   52
=------------------------------------------------------

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.  While
several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the
customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their
wallets, watches, etc.  While this is going on lawyer number one jams
something
in lawyer number two's hand.  Without looking down, lawyer number two
whispers,
"What is this?", to which lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe
you."

-= lawyer humor =-=   53
=------------------------------------------------------

A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow.  Her husband had passed away
without a will.  "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer.
"You
mean *right* before he died?" sobbed the widow.  "Yes," replied the lawyer.
"They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall."  "Well,"
she
began, "he said "Don't try to scare me!  You couldn't hit the broad side of a
barn with that gun."

-= lawyer humor =-=   54
=------------------------------------------------------

   A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other.  Neither one remembers
what
kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.  The rabbit says,
"You feel me first."
   The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.  He says, "Well, you
have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back
feet..."
   The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!"
   Then the rabbit feels the snake.  He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and
slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."
   The snake says, "Damn, I'm a lawyer."

-= lawyer humor =-=   55
=------------------------------------------------------

Man goes goes to lawyer for help.
Man: What is your least expensive fee?
Lawyer: $50 for three questions.
Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes.  So what's your third question

-= lawyer humor =-=   56
=------------------------------------------------------

   Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
   The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You
open them up and everything inside is numbered."
   The second one said, "I think librarians are easiest to operate on.  You
open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
   The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians.  You open them up
and everything inside is color-coded."
   The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers.  They are heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."

-= lawyer humor =-=   57
=------------------------------------------------------

   The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates.  Saint
Peter says to the first man, "Let's see, you're Mr. Jones, the engineer.
We've
been expecting you. Please follow me." Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a
door marked #101.
   "This is where you'll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as he opens
the
door.  Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room.  Water is dripping from the
rocklike walls where torture equipment is hanging.  Chained to the center of
the
floor is a growling, fierce-looking dog.
   Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above, "Mr.Jones!  You
have sinned!"
   Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men waiting at
the entrance gate.
   "And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor", Saint Peters addresses the second man.
"You are in room 102.  Please follow me."  Once again when the door is opened
this room is dark and dank, water dripping down the walls with horrible
torture
equipment hanging everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the
center
of the floor.
   As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries, "Mr. Smith!  You have
sinned!"
   Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at the
entrance gate.
   "And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer.  We have been waiting for you.  You
are in room number 103.  Please follow me."  When they get to room #103, Saint
Peter opens the door to reveal another dark, musty, gloomy room with torture
equipment hanging from the water dripping walls.
   But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek.  As the lawyer steps in the
room the voice cries out, "Bo Derek! You have sinned!"

-= lawyer humor =-=   58
=------------------------------------------------------

   The lawyer died.  Having not lived an all-that-honest life he found himself
at the gates of Hell. "Welcome to Hell" announced the Devil greeting him
warmly.
"Glad you could join us.  As your last taste of free will, you are allowed to
choose which of three possible places that you will spend the rest of
eternity."
   There were three doors behind the Devil.  He opened the first door.  Flames
shot into the room and the lawyer could see thousands of people amidst the
fire.
"No" said the lawyer. "Not this one."
   The Devil opened the second door.  The lawyer could see thousands of people
slaving away at a large rockpile.  They were all being whipped as they
hammered
the large boulders into smaller boulders.  "No" again said the lawyer.
   Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed thousands of
people
in a incredibly large lake with vomit up to their chins.  All of them were
chanting 'Don't make waves, don't make waves...'  "That's awful!!" commented
the
lawyer in repulsion.
   "You think that's bad?" asked the devil, "you should see it when the angels
spend the weekend here with their motorboats!"

-= lawyer humor =-=   59
=------------------------------------------------------

Dear Prospective Employer:

I am a starving student on the 1993 production line at Harvard Law Factory.  A
recent examination of my aspirations has convinced me that I must eat in the
years to come.  The exorbitant sums paid by most legal factories to summer
associates fit in well with the modest goals I have set for myself.  Feel
assured that I understand the responsibilities incumbent upon a summer
associate
at your firm.  I am not at all squeamish about milking our powerful corporate
clients of their every last cent by providing legal services of the calibre
necessary to defeat well-founded claims by victims caught in the corporate
vice.
I have learned much at Hahvahd.  I can promise that such human foibles as pity
will never interfere with my willingness to stretch the innocent on the rack
of
legal trickery for the good of the client and its share-holders.
===========================================================================
 BBS: The Inferno
Date: 06-09-94 (01:09)             Number: 572241
From: INTERNET: HJIWA@NOR.CHEVR    Refer#: NONE
  To: ** ALL **                     Recvd: NO  
Subj: Canonical List Of Lawyer       Conf: (89) humor
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Continued from Message #572240 >>


-= lawyer humor =-=   70
=------------------------------------------------------

   A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see
walking down the side of the road.  Every time he would see a lawyer walking
along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP"
and then he would swerve back on the road.  This pasttime was immensely
enjoyable to the truck driver.
   One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest
hitchhiking,
so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift.  He
pulled
the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
   "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.
   "No problem, Father!  I'll give you a lift.  Climb in the truck."
   With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck
driver continued down the road.
   Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and
instinctively he swerved to hit him.  But then he remembered there was a
priest
in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road,
narrowly missing the lawyer.  However, even though he was certain he missed
the
lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
   Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and
when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry,
Father.  I almost hit that lawyer."
   "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

-= lawyer humor =-=   71
=------------------------------------------------------

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged
her $100.  She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another
$100 bill.  On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came
to
the attorney's mind, "Do I tell my partner?"

-= lawyer humor =-=   72
=------------------------------------------------------

   About 1900, a very respectable Western lawyer was filing some insurance
papers when he came to the question: "If your father is dead, state the
cause."
Unwilling to reveal that his father had been hanged for cattle rustling, the
lawyer evaded the problem by answering this way: "He died while taking part in
a
public ceremony when the platform gave way."
   After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office.
He
was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had
arrived to see him.
   "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied.
   As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an idea.  He quickly
picks
up the phone and shouts into it "And you tell them that we won't accept less
then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that
amount!"
   Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning,
Mr.
Jones, what can I do for you?"
   "I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your
phone."

-= lawyer humor =-=   73
=------------------------------------------------------

   Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along
learning more and more about less and less until they know practically
everything about nothing.
   Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many
things
and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know
practically
nothing about everything.
   Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end
up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with
experts and lawyers.

-= lawyer humor =-=   74
=------------------------------------------------------

   A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to
heaven.
When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate.
   "Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life, you
may enter heaven."
   "Thank you," said the man.  "But before I come in, could you tell me what
kind of other people are here?"
   "Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter.
   "Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man.
   "Yes, some," said St. Peter.
   "Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man.
   "Yes, there are," replied St. Peter.
   "Are there any Nazis in heaven?  Asked the man.
   "Just a few," said St. Peter.
   "Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man.
   St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?"

-= lawyer humor =-=   75
=------------------------------------------------------

   A mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer
bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge.  After hours of deliberation,
the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years in prison.
   Afterward, the lawyer approached the juror.  "You had me so worried!  When
the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off."
   "I was worried too!" answered the juror.  "The others all wanted to acquit
him!"

-= lawyer humor =-=   76
=------------------------------------------------------

   Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
   George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years."
   Herman: "Hmm.  I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days."
   George: "*WHAT*???  I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3
days???"
   Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."

-= lawyer humor =-=   77
=------------------------------------------------------

A redundancy in wording: Criminal Lawyers

-= lawyer humor =-=   78
=------------------------------------------------------

   The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started to make
even the condition in Heaven uncomfortable.  St. Peter got Satan on the horn
and yelled, "You'd better fix that immediately or I'll sue."
   On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how?  I have all the lawyers
down
here.  And besides, how can fix it when you have all the good engineers?"

-= lawyer humor =-=   79
=------------------------------------------------------

Star Trek Lawyer Joke

Dr. McCoy was involved in a shuttle craft accident and he was left trapped
inside the damaged ship.  While Captain Kirk was waiting for the emergency
crews
to free his comrade he pounded on the ship and shouted, "Bones, Bones!  Do you
think your alright?  Are you badly hurt?"  To which Dr. McCoy replied, "Damn
it,
===========================================================================
 BBS: The Inferno
Date: 06-09-94 (01:09)             Number: 572242
From: INTERNET: HJIWA@NOR.CHEVR    Refer#: NONE
  To: ** ALL **                     Recvd: NO  
Subj: Canonical List Of Lawyer       Conf: (89) humor
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Continued from Message #572241 >>


When I worked for the Infernal Revenue (Dis)Service (about 15 years ago), a
bunch of us pooled our paychecks (after withholding) and bought a money order
for $1.49.  Then we wrote up an *obviously* phony AMENDED return in the name
of
"Hu Flung Dung, #2 Cresent Moon Drive, Pottyville, NY" and submitted it with a
letter saying that the "taxpayer" had found an error in his calculations and
was
making amends.  As if that weren't funny enough, when the IRS receives an
amended return *with money*, they are required, by their own rules, to
continue
searching *until they find the original*.  Forever.  Across the entire
country.
(They're probably still looking.)

-= lawyer humor =-=   96
=------------------------------------------------------

This was printed in the San Francisco Examiner, April 16, 1989.  The poet is
anonymous because, to quote the IRS spokesman, "anything that's sent to the
IRS
is classified as confidential".

I think that I shall never see
a tax form plain e-nough for me.
A form that I can understand
without a lawyer near at hand
to guide this poor benighted me
so I won't owe a pen-al-ty.

A form that I will not detest
or take as more than awful jest.
A form with pages I can read
and fill out ea-si-ly with speed.
Such forms weren't made for fools like me
Nor even God, who made a tree.

-= lawyer humor =-=   97
=------------------------------------------------------

An in-house IRS study revealed in February that the agency loses two million
tax
returns and related documents annually.  One employee said that when preparing
for audits, he routinely requests taxpayers' files from the state agencies
because they are more likely to have the documents.

-= lawyer humor =-=   98
=------------------------------------------------------

A recent addition to the IRS employee manual makes clear that the agency would
continue to operate and to collect taxes immediately after any national
emergency - "especially resulting from nuclear attack."

-= lawyer humor =-=   99
=------------------------------------------------------

From the Miami Herald:

   Depending on your profession, it appears that breasts can qualify as
business
assets - and depreciable ones at that.
   Indiana exotic dancer Cynthia S. Hess, aka "Chesty Love", claimed a $2,088
deduction in 1988 for depreciation on the surgical implants that enlarged her
bust to size 56FF.
   Special Trial Judge Joan Seitz Pate of U.S. Tax Court has allowed the
deduction, ruling that the implants did indeed increase Hess' income and that
the breasts are so large and cumbersome, about 10 pounds each, that they make
her appear "freakish" and she couldn't derive personal benefit from them.

-= lawyer humor =-=  100
=------------------------------------------------------

From the television show "Frasier," a dialogue between Frasier and Niles,
brothers and fellow psychiatrists:

Frasier:  I hate lawyers.
Niles:  I do too, but they make wonderful patients.  They have excellent
health
insurance and they never get better.

-= lawyer humor =-=  101
=------------------------------------------------------

My accountant recently sent me a thick wad of photocopied pages about the
IRS's
position on home offices, in which I (really, truly) found the following
startling bit.
  From _Federal Tax Coordinator_ 2d, 2/18/93-73, pp. 34,052B - 34,053,
  Section L-1311, "Residence Used for Business" [footnotes omitted]:

Even though a taxpayer may have to do part of her work at home, if another
location was her principal place of business, a deduction will be denied.
Thus,
where taxpayer who ran a hot dog stand had to prepare meats, stews, and soups
at
home because the stand wasn't big enough, the Tax Court denied a deduction
because sales, which produced her income, and final packaging for consumption,
took place at the hot dog stand.

A pharmacist whose rented premises couldn't be expanded to include an office
couldn't get a deduction for his home office.

A nurse-anesthetist who rendered service to patients only at hospitals
couldn't
get a deduction, even though he had to do his record keeping, billing, and
professional reading at home.

An emergency room doctor who treated patient at a hospital 35 hours a week was
denied deductions for a home office where he performed related tasks 5 hours a
week.

[In the next 8 paragraphs, home office deductions are denied to a housing
court
judge, a professional actor, a contractor, someone with muffler repair and
airplane leasing businesses, an office worker whose employer supplied her with
home office equipment, airline pilots, an engineer, and a licensed real estate
person.  We finally come to our lone success...]

A drug dealer was entitled to a home office deduction with respect to a
portion
of his apartment where it was his only place of business and he made
substantial
use of it in his dealings in amphetamines, cocaine, and marijuana.

Perhaps I'm in the wrong business?
          - Lauren Ruth Wiener, writer

-= lawyer humor =-=  102
=------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

Courthouse officials in Durham,N.C., suspect that in February 1994, a
disgruntled lawyer or lawyers stole a big stack of brochures that explained
how
battered women could obtain court orders against their husbands without
resorting to a lawyer.

-= lawyer humor =-=  103
=------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case.  The client who
had
attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision,
which was for the lawyer and his client.  The lawyer immediately sent a
===========================================================================
 BBS: The Inferno
Date: 06-09-94 (01:13)             Number: 572452
From: INTERNET: HJIWA@NOR.CHEVR    Refer#: NONE
  To: ** ALL **                     Recvd: NO  
Subj: Canonical List Of Languag      Conf: (89) humor
---------------------------------------------------------------------------


.TH language humor \n(mo/\n(dy/\n(yr "Language Humor"
.ce
L A N G U A G E   H U M O R
.po 0
.in 0i
.nf
.pl 12i


-----cut-here--------8<--------cut-here--------8<--------cut-here--------8<----
-
Canonical List Of Language Humor  (Linguistic Linguini)
Archive-Name: language
Last-Modified: 94/05/31
Version: 2.04
Version-History: 0.05(92/03),0.08(92/07),1.00(92/12),1.01(93/01),1.02(93/02),

1.03(93/03),1.04(93/04),1.05(93/05),1.06(93/06),1.07(93/07),1.08(93/08),

1.09(93/09),1.10(93/10),1.11(93/10),1.12(93/11),1.13(93/12),2.00(94/01),
        2.01(94/02),2.02(94/03),2.03(94/04),2.04(94/05)
Total-Joke-Count:    91

   Send all additions to  hjiwa@nor.chevron.com   All e-mail contributors will
get the next new issue personally e-mailed back to them with credits to their
new entry noted.  If you post additions to this list, do not waste bandwidth
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   Disclaimer: This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either
myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote
me on anything; Copyright (C) 1994 Joker's Wild; all rights reserved; this
document is distribution copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute
this
posting and all its associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from
it or include the posting in commercial publications without written
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of this document or its parts are allowed via Usenet repostings, anonymous
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entries apply wherever noted; jokes are subject to change without notice;
jokes
are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons,
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best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text
used
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get a life, and move on.  Send all flames to yomama@/dev/null :-)
   Note: To keep this as a plain text file, remove all "cut-here" lines and
the
Unix nroff format commands present above the first "cut-here" above.  To
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   To search for the main subject headings, `grep "^== " thisfile`  To search
for the new entries made since the last version, find ">NEW<".  To search for
additions or improvements to existing entries, find ">IMPROVED<".
   Many thanks to the following contributors since the last version:
mlb8a@virginia.edu (Michelle Lynae Brown), mfarah@lascar.puc.cl (Miguel Farah
F.), mohrwl@rtsg.mot.com (Wilson Mohr), phg$2326@altair.selu.edu,
pmej2@fel.tno.nl (Peter Paul Meiler), reid@ucs.indiana.edu (Frank Reid),
stevezim@crl.com (Steve Zimmerman)


CONTENTS
   WAYS TO SAY "GOOD DAY"
   WAYS TO SAY "GOOD BYE"
   WAYS TO SAY "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"
   WAYS TO SAY "MERRY CHRISTMAS / HAPPY NEW YEAR"
   WAYS TO SAY "I LOVE YOU"
   WAYS TO SAY EXPLETIVES
   WAYS TO ORDER A BEER
   WAYS TO SAY THAT YOU ARE LEAVING
   WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE'S CRAZY/STUPID
   WAYS TO SAY "AS MUCH USE AS..."
   WAYS TO SAY "HOPELESS SITUATION"
   WAYS TO SAY "VOMIT"
   WAYS TO SAY "FART"
   WAYS TO SAY "USE THE RESTROOM"
   WAYS TO SAY "HAVING SEX"
   WAYS TO TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER
   THE F WORD
   WORDS YOU CAN'T SAY ON TV
   VARIOUS INSULTS
   VARIOUS EXCUSES
   PUNS
   TONGUE TWISTERS
   VARIOUS LANGUAGE EXPRESSIONS
   VARIOUS LANGUAGE HUMOR
   WHAT'S THE DEFINITION/HEIGHT OF ...
   WHY IS IT THAT ...
   CONFUCIUS SAYINGS
   YO MAMA AND DADDY